Saturday, January 1, 2011

2010...the year that was

It's hard to believe that 2010 has finally come to a close.  This had to be the most challenging year of my life.

It's hard to believe that a year ago we had just announced our pregnancy with Olivia to our family and friends, only to find out 2 months later that she was a victim of amniotic band syndrome and could not survive.  It's been 9 months since I delivered our little stillborn angel, and held her in my arms for the first and only time, before leaving the hospital empty handed.  I thought I would never get over the intense heartache and pain I experienced.  I had no idea that grief could be like that.

But time passed and with the support of my wonderful husband, family and friends, the hurt lessened a little bit each day, and I was able to pick myself back up and push forward.  It wasn't easy and it took what felt like forever for me to be able to see a baby and not lose control of my emotions.  It was like the hurt was buried deep in my heart but every so often it would sneak up on me and knock me off my feet.

27 weeks ago I became pregnant again, and was cautiously optimistic that this time would be different.  This baby WOULD arrive.  The first few months we were very tentative, and so was our family.  It was like everyone was holding their breath, waiting for something to go wrong.  But nothing did (except for a few minor bumps along the way, but all have been resolved).

In 13 weeks our baby will arrive.  It's still hard to believe that this baby is, in fact, coming.  I think I'm still expecting something to go wrong, it all seems too good to be true.  But I will stay hopeful and pray for the health of this baby, and that Olivia is looking down on us.

I have a lot of mixed emotions about this year.  It was full of pain and heartache, but also the love and support of family and friends, both old and new.  And my husband and I are closer than ever, and have learned that we truly can lean on each other through good times and bad.  But yet, our angel Olivia is gone before she ever had a chance to live.  What would've been our first Christmas as a family was a bittersweet holiday with our baby to be.

I look forward to 2011 and the idea of a new beginning, a fresh start.  I pray that everyone who is struggling with the loss of a child can find peace through the hope that their dreams of a family will come true.

Thank you to everyone who has read my blog and offered words of encouragement.  It's really meant a lot to me to find those who have gone through similar situations and can understand how I've been feeling over the past 9 months.  If you haven't commented, I'd love to hear from you! 

Thanks for reading!

1 comment:

  1. I admire your strength. It is not easy. ABS can be so destructive. Its hard to imagine how something so tiny, microscopic, can do so much harm. I am so impressed with the courage you have to move forward and to have another child. Something that I want, but that I am, at this time, afraid to do. My very best to you this new year.