Thursday, March 17, 2011

Open wounds...

A year ago today we were registering at Mt. Sinai for our induction.  We returned from a 5 day trip to Chicago the night before (distraction for me, work for hubby).  Going with him was the best decision I ever made.  After finding out the news, I knew I couldn't be separated from him for that long.  I spent 5 days wandering around the city, walking the magnificent mile, visiting the Shedd Aquarium and Lincoln Park Zoo, and basically doing everything I could to take my mind off our baby's dark fate.

It was an extremely difficult 5 days.  People would stop and ask me about the baby (I was very visibly pregnant at this point) and I told them I was having a girl.  They were so nice and I tried to smile and say thanks, when deep down my heart was aching.  Shopping was impossible...I couldn't buy maternity clothes because in a week I wouldn't be pregnant anymore, and I couldn't buy "normal" clothes because I knew they wouldn't fit for a while.  The one thing I did buy was a beautiful pink blanket for Olivia.  I remember taking it to the cash and the woman asked if I wanted a matching outfit, and I choked back the tears and said no, knowing there was no point because nothing would be tiny enough to fit her.  But I wanted her to have a cozy blanket to keep her safe and warm after she left us.

The trip home wasn't exactly pleasant.  Somehow our bags didn't make it onto the plane, and they wouldn't arrive until sometime the next day.  We decided to stay in Toronto instead of coming home, particularly because our flight arrived at midnight.  I clearly remember yelling at the baggage claim clerk, explaining to her that I was being induced the next day and now had NOTHING.  She must've thought I was crazy, and when hubby noticed what was happening (he was off searching the other carousels for our bags), he rushed over and intervened.  I was so upset.  Not only were we facing a horrible day, but I now had to face it with no personal belongings.

Thank goodness the hotel people were helpful, they provided enough toiletries so we could at least get cleaned up and go to bed.  But I didn't sleep.  I spent most of the night lying in bed with my hand on my belly, feeling her move and kick.  Every kick made my heart ache more and more, and made me feel awful about the decision we had made.  I watched the clock, begging the time to move faster so we could just get it over with, while at the same time trying to treasure our last few moments with her.

We woke up early and went to the hospital.  After several hours of paperwork and waiting, we were finally taken to the induction room...which became a prison to me over the next two days.  Unfortunately due to a lot of emergency deliveries, we were low on the priority list and spent most of the day waiting for updates.  It was almost 8 hours before I got the first dose of the induction drug, and the waiting was making us both crazy.  The nurse cautioned us that we would likely be at the hospital for another 24-48 hours, because this process was often very slow.  My heart and spirits sank, and B did everything he could to keep me sane during the long process ahead.

And so the wait began....waiting for the drugs to push my body into labour, waiting for the inevitable loss of our little angel. 


  1. I'm crying for you and your husband and baby girl. I wish you had never had this experience, that your little girl was safe in your arms. Sending you lots of love and hugs and remembering your little girl.

  2. you are so brave to write your daughters story, my heart aches for you as I too (different circumstances) had that too early induction and took those drugs and remember that painful hospital stay.