Friday, December 13, 2013

Moving at the speed of light...

I am 36 weeks pregnant tomorrow.  How the heck did that happen?  And how have I abandoned this space for so long?

Oh yes right, I have a super active toddler, busy job and hectic life (which I love).

The last few months have been a blur of preschool transition, potty training, big boy bed transition and countless doctor's appointments.  Somehow throughout all of this, a little man has been growing steadily in my belly.  But now he's not so little, according to the doctor's, he's cruising to be a similar size to Noah (who was 9lbs and 18 inches long).  Some days he is so active, I swear he's going to break out Alien style through my belly button!

I have one week of work left, and normally I would be excited, but instead I am anxious about everything that's left to do.  The woman who committed (unofficially) to cover my mat leave backed out a week ago, and now we're scrambling to find a replacement.  For context, it took THREE months to find my last replacement, and now we're attempting to do it in two weeks.  There's a very good chance my job will sit empty for a while when I leave.  That makes me anxious and sad at the same time.  I've worked so hard to build up my small team, and I worry what will happen when it's abandoned, even for a short time.  My husband says it's because I take pride in my work and that's a good thing.  I know I need to just detach and let go.  They will figure it out.  I'm not irreplaceable.  Nothing I do is saving lives or changing the world.

In four weeks we will face our third labour and delivery.  Everyone keeps asking if we're going to try again for a girl.  They forget that we HAD our girl, and she is in heaven with the other angel babies.

This is most certainly my last pregnancy.  It's been difficult.  I was sick for the first few months, and had such a bad cough I was popping out ribs and ended up going for multiple chiropractor visits each week.  Now I'm just big and uncomfortable and things are starting to swell...and hurt.  Chasing an active toddler like this isn't fun.  It hurts me physically and I also feel bad that I can't play with him the way he wants.  I hope once I have my body back that I can devote the time to him that he needs.  Except then he'll be competing with his little brother - which will be a whole new adventure.

Our life is about to go through a colossal shift and I'm trying to enjoy the last few weeks we have as a threesome, but at the same time I'm eager to get this baby out so I can sleep again and reach my feet to put my boots on. It's so different from the end of my first pregnancy.  I wanted it over with so I could release the pain that was building up inside.  And then once it was over, I ached to have her back.

My hormones have been raging lately and my emotions are very close to the surface.  I know it's the peak before the end, and I'm just trying to take each day and moment as it comes, and not get too fussed.  Keep calm and carry on, right??

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