Comforting words for parents experiencing a loss

I saw this in a post on In Memory of Jacob and wanted to share it.  When we lost Olivia, the hospital gave us a lovely package: a white fabric "envelope" with resources inside, a certificate with her name/DOB/weight/length, and pictures of her.  While I've tucked it away somewhere safe, I pull it out ever so often.

This letter was included in a hospital packet for parents experiencing a loss.  I wish we had received something like this (in addition to the traditional "grief" literature):

Dear Mommy and Daddy,

I know this is a rough time for you so I will be as gentle as I can be. First of all, thank you for so many tears, particularly those shared with another that you love. They are a gift to me, a precious tribute to your investment in us. As you do your mourning, do it at your pace only. Don't let anybody suggest that you do your grief work at someone else's timetable.

Do whatever it takes to face directly the reality of what has happened, even though you may need to pause frequently and yearn for my return. Do this with courage and my blessings. Know that sometimes inertia is the only movement possible. Give your best to keeping a balance between remembering me and renewing your commitments to life.

It's okay with me if you go through minutes, hours and even days not thinking of me. I know that you'll never forget. Losing me and grabbing hold of a new meaning in your life is a delicate art. I'm not sure if one comes before the other or not, maybe it's a combination.

Be with people who accept you as you are. Mention my name out loud and if they don't make hasty retreat, they're probably excellent candidates for friendship.

If, by a remote possiblilty, you think that there is anything you could have done for me and didn't, I forgive you. Resentment does not abide here, only love.

You know how people sometimes ask you how many children you have? Well, I am still yours and you are still my mother. Always acknowledge that with tenderness, unless to do so would fall on insensitive ears or would be painful to you.

I know how you feel inside. Read, even though your tears anoint the pages. In Henri Nowens' book "Out of Solitude" he writes, "the friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair and confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not healing, and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."

I want you to know that I am okay and that I have sent you messages to ease your pain. They come in the form of flowers that bloom out of season, birds singing, voices and visions and sometimes through your friends and even strangers who volunteer as angels.

Stay open but don't expect the overly dramatic. You will get what you need and it may be simple as an internal feeling of peace. You are not crazy, you have been comforted.

Please seek out people bereaved longer than you. They are tellers of truth, and if they have done their grief work, they are an inspiration and a beacon of hope for you.

There are still funny things happening in our world. It delights me to no end to hear your spontaneous laughter.

Mommy and Daddy, I will always be in your heart. Today I will light a candle for you. When you light your candle for me their light will shine above the darkness.

Love,
 
Your Baby
 
Author unknown

Raw emotions

I just read about a woman who's going through her third loss in one of the blogs I'm following, and it makes my heart ache.  How can it be that some people have it so easy and don't appreciate that fact, while others have to fight for that privilege?

I feel so badly for her and her husband and I know that only time will dull the pain they're going through.  The only thing that will get them through this is the hope that one day they will be successful and holding their baby in their arms.

After we lost Olivia, it was all I could think about.  Every time I was alone, thoughts of her flooded my mind and the pain hit me so hard I couldn't breathe.  One day B pointed out this song, which he explained gave him hope that things would turn around for us.  I dedicate this song to everyone who is mourning the loss of a child:

Labels - do they matter?

Since the release of Lily Allen's unfortunate news, there's been a debate over the use of the word "miscarriage".  According to Wikipedia, here's the terminology broken down:

• Very early miscarriages—those that occur before the sixth week LMP (since the woman's Last Menstrual Period)—are medically termed early pregnancy loss^[2] or chemical pregnancy.^[3]
• Miscarriages that occur after the sixth week LMP are medically termed clinical spontaneous abortion.^[2]
• Labour resulting in live birth before the 37th week of pregnancy is termed "premature birth", even if the infant dies shortly afterward.
• A fetus that dies while in the uterus after about the 20–24th week of pregnancy is termed a "stillbirth"; the precise gestational age definition varies by country.

Regardless of the "label", the terms all mean the same thing:  a woman was pregnant and her baby died before it reached full term. 

I understand that some people are sensitive to different terms, and after I lost Olivia I didn't feel like the word "miscarriage" really represented what I went through.  How could someone who lost a baby at 10 weeks compare their situation to mine - losing a baby at 27 weeks that was kicking and growing and almost viable?  Over the last few months I've come to realize that the "label" doesn't matter, it's the heartbreak and grief that accompany the loss that bring affected families together.

Join the debate on the Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope Facebook page.  What do YOU think?

Even celebs aren't safe from loss

I read today that Lily Allen suffered a miscarriage over the weekend.  She was six months pregnant with a boy and due in January 2011.  People.com wrote a nice piece.

This was her second miscarriage.  My heart goes out to her, particularly because she's in the public eye and this opens her up to even more scrutiny.  I hope people will be compassionate during this very difficult time. 

This just shows that no one is safe from the pain of losing a baby.  My heart goes out to her and her partner.