Emotional Triggers

I wish I had more time to spend here.  Life with a toddler is hectic and trying to balance work, family and a little personal time sometimes seems like an impossible feat.

I realized on my drive home today that it's March, and it was three years ago that we were waiting for our referral to Mount Sinai to investigate Olivia's mysterious condition (you can read her story here).  At the same time, Everybody Hurts came on my iPod and immediately I was brought to tears.  It's amazing how a simple song can bring you to your knees.

But it's not the only thing that's had me thinking about Olivia this week.  A woman I met on Twitter, Heather (aka @TJZMommy), is facing the 2nd anniversary of the loss of her three year old son Zackie this month.  This week she posted about returning to Sick Kids for a fundraising event, the place where she spent many hours watching him slowly slip away.  Heather tweeted about her anxiety about visiting the hospital, as she hadn't been there since he passed.  I know the pain of losing an infant I only knew from an ultrasound and her kicks inside my belly, I can't even imagine the grief of losing a child you grew to know and love.

It immediately brought me back to the feelings I had with Noah's first ultrasound, and the anxiety of waiting for the technician to tell me everything was ok.  I remember feeling nauseous the entire time, and at the end I asked her if the baby's head was ok.  She looked at me quizzically and said the doctor would review the results with me (the same statement I heard with Olivia's ultrasound when they made me wait 24 hours to hear the bad news).  I immediately broke down and explained what happened.  She immediately softened and explained that the baby was fine and showed me the screen.  But despite that, I was still terrified during every ultrasound until they showed me the screen.

To this day, every time I drive past Mount Sinai hospital, I get a lump in my throat.  Nothing good happened there.  They told us Olivia's skull hadn't formed properly and her brain was exposed, and she couldn't survive outside my body.  We signed the paperwork authorizing the induction.  And I spent two long days in a lonely room at the end of the maternity floor, waiting for my dead baby to be born, while couples down the hall were joyously welcoming their perfect bundles.

I will never forget the song that was playing in the car when we drove home from the hospital, empty handed.  It's called Awkward Goodbye by Athlete, and I remember losing it in the car when the chorus sang "No one knows how I love you, no one comes even close".  It's intended to be a love song but at that moment it broke my heart.

Everyone has triggers that bring memories flooding back, it could be a song, a place, a smell.  What are yours?

Remembering...

Today is International Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  While I'm so happy and proud to have a happy, healthy little boy, my heart is heavy today.  Sending warm thoughts to parents everywhere who have gone through the agonizing pain of losing a baby.

If you have a story to share, or you're looking for someone who's had a similar experience to yours, check out: http://facesofloss.com/  Despite our unique situation, I was able to find two families who had nearly identical events to ours.  While I wouldn't wish this pain on ANYONE, I have to admit, finding someone who "gets it" is incredibly comforting!

There's no place like....work?

Clearly I have been delinquent in this space.  I’ve been back to work for exactly 6 months and life, as I know it, is chaos!  But happily chaotic!

I have many hats: wife, mother, sister, daughter, in-law, friend, colleague and co-worker.  Sometimes I have more than one on, and sometimes I wish I could take them all off and go hide in a dark movie theatre and eat buttered popcorn.  All of these hats represent different expectations, both the ones I place on myself and the ones others have of me.  It’s always a balancing act, trying to make sure I don’t put too much attention to one and ignore the others.

Despite how it may sound, I am HAPPY!  I feel like order is restored in my life (I get bored very easily, so busy is where I thrive).

During my maternity leave, I learned a lot about myself and who I want to be.  I am a wife and a mother foremost, but I NEED balance.  I need to spend time with my friends, I need to go to the gym, and I need to work to keep my brain stimulated.  I struggled with balance when I was on maternity leave.  It was much harder than I expected.  Those that know me well, know that I’m a control freak.  So spending endless days and nights with an infant that I couldn’t figure out was extremely challenging.  There were many times we were both in tears because we were both tired and frustrated.

I remember vividly the moment when I knew I lost balance.  I spent hours making homemade baby food for N, and then he refused to eat it.  Flat out refused, and even vomited when I stuffed it in his mouth.  I burst into tears in front of my husband because I was frustrated after all that effort…wasted.  His response: it’s just baby food, relax.  And it was, but in that moment, it was ALL I had to focus on.  After that, I worked very hard to get out of the house, make friends, participate in local mommy groups, and find time for ME.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved maternity leave.  BUT a year is a VERY long time!  Kudos to the parents who decide to stay at home and raise their children.  I couldn't do it, I know I couldn't.  I am a much better parent and person when I have some separation.

So now I am back at work, happily busy and balancing my many hats.  I have a renewed energy for my career, and I am thankful to have a loving family to go home to.  N is flourishing in daycare.  He loves his teachers, and they are very good to him.  I often peek in before I pick him up, just to watch him laughing and playing with his teachers and other kids.  It warms my heart to see him smile.

Not to say all of this is easy.  Some days I stress too much about work and I bring it home with me.  Some days I don’t have enough patience with my husband and child.  But I can’t be perfect all the time, right?  I’ve learned the hard way that I need to lower my expectations of myself.  Because it doesn’t really matter that there’s crumbs all over the floor, or that the bed isn’t made, or that there’s toys EVERYWHERE – right?  In theory, yes!  But there’s some things I just can’t let go of, I can’t handle clutter.  But I know it’s extra work I’m putting on myself and I have nobody but me to blame for it.

What things make you crazy that you just can’t ignore?

TV Hitting Close To Home

Since I went back to work (over a month ago, and I’m long overdue for a post on that – I will do it soon!), my PVR has been constantly clogged with my favourite TV shows.  Most nights I’m lucky to be awake at 9:30pm because my days are so hectic.  Hubby has been out the last few nights so I’ve been able to catch up on one of my favourites, Private Practice.  I had 5 episodes taped, which is a lot to watch!  Where I left off a few weeks ago was Emilia finding out she was pregnant but resisting having any tests or ultrasounds done.

So needless to say I was blindsided when I started watching last night only to discover that her baby doesn’t have a brain, she’s past the point of termination and needs to carry a baby that’s going to die to term.  It was like someone kicked me in the chest.  I have to say that the writers have done an amazing job of capturing the emotions one goes through when they find out the child they are carrying will not survive.  The sadness, anger, frustration and eventual numbness.  The desire to just hide from everyone who is happy because it’s too painful. 

I got halfway through the next episode where she decided to stay as healthy as possible so her baby would grow strong and she could donate its organs after birth.  It made me stop and wonder.  If I had carried Olivia to term, could I have done the same and saved the life of another baby?  Or would she have even made it to term?  I was induced at 27 weeks after knowing something was wrong for nearly a month.  That was hands down the worst month of my life.  No one understood how I was feeling, it was like everyone around me was exceptionally happy and I was carrying around a sadness that pressed down on me like a vice.  Every kick and movement was a painful reminder that our time was coming to an end.  I can’t imagine carrying her for another 13 weeks knowing she was going to die. 

I’m sure the remaining 4.5 episodes will only get harder to watch.  The upside is that the public gets a tiny glimpse into what it’s like to lose a child.  If anything, I hope people realize that it’s awful, there’s nothing you can say to make the mother feel better, and the only thing you can do to help is to just be there to listen and provide support.

Such a big boy, nearly 14 months and turning into Mr. Independent!

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I am a survivor

When Olivia died, I sunk into a very dark place I never thought I'd escape. The last two years have been a roller coaster of emotions and events, and somehow I'm still standing strong. I'm still not sure how.

I reconnected with a work friend last week I hadn't seen in over a year, and learned that she lost he 14 year old son last year to cancer. I offered my condolences and a hug, and before my eyes I saw her very fresh wound tear open. Her pain is so raw that it made my heart ache for her. I know how much it hurts to lose a child you never met, I can't imagine the ache of losing someone who was part of your life for so long.

We shared our stories (she never knew exactly what happened to me), shed some tears, and parted knowing there's one more person out there who "gets it".

I feel like my community of moms who have lost children continues to expand. I wish the opposite would happen, no one deserves to go through this.

Happy (belated) birthday to my little man!

I can't believe this is almost a month overdue!  I'm in my third week back to work and the past month has been a whirlwind!

We had a great day for Noah's Sesame Street birthday party on March 25.  We had 10 kids under age 1, 2 - 2 year olds and my 6 and 8 year old nephews.  Talk about a full house!  We hired a woman from a local music program to do a short activity with the kids, and they loved it! He was very spoiled (as usual) and had a great day.

A few weeks before his birthday, we did a cake smash with my photographer friend.  If you haven't heard of a cake smash, basically you put a cake in front of your child, and let them go!  He liked messing around with the icing, but it actually made him throw up (I think it was too sweet).  So, since his birthday was Sesame Street themed (hence the cookie monster cake), we gave him cookies.  And boy did he like them!  Here's some of my favourite shots:

Smart dressed boy

All smiles for mommy

Hmm, what's this?

Mmmm cookie

What IS this blue stuff?

I have TWO cookies!

Yum...

Two years ago, we welcomed and lost our baby girl

This seems fitting today, there aren't any new words to explain how I'm feeling.

Approaching two years

Next Monday will mark two years since Olivia was born.  My heart still aches when the memories of the week leading up to my induction come flooding back.  I try to push them down deep and focus on the beautiful baby boy I have in front of me, but the sadness still manages to creep out.

Noah will be one next Sunday, she would've been two.  How will we ever tell him he has a big sister in heaven?

Life is so unfair sometimes....

"Vacationing" with a baby

Last week we were in Indian Shores, Florida (just south of Clearwater) for a family vacation. I use the word vacation loosely because our definition of the term has evolved dramatically over the past year. Gone are the days of laying in the sun for hours, reading books and enjoying a constant flow of frozen drinks. Our new reality is finding ways to occupy our baby in a new environment, and trying desperately to maintain his sleeping and eating routine.

We stayed in the Sandcastle 1 condo with my parents, who rented it for three weeks. We crashed their corner of paradise for week two. I have to say, having an extra set of hands was the only way we were able to enjoy any downtime. An added bonus is that my parents got some much-needed time with their grandson that they only see every few months.

We flew out of Buffalo, NY, which was a fantastic decision on hubby's part. The flight was cheaper ($700 via Southwest vs. $1500 via Air Canada from Toronto) and we dealt with customs from our car at the border (very short lineup and babe slept until we rolled the window down at the guard booth). It also meant we had a shorter flight, which is essential when you're travelling with a baby who hates to sleep in your arms, and is now pulling himself up on everything he can reach.

Southwest Airlines was fantastic. The check in was quick, they permit two 50lb checked bags per person, and the staff are very friendly. We ended up checking two large and one small suitcase. The amount of gear we needed to bring was incredible, and we also rented gear once we got there! I was concerned about overweight baggage fees so I convinced hubby to add the extra case. And thank goodness we did!  If you're familiar with Southwest, you'll know that they don't have assigned seating, rather you're boarded in groups based on the letter/number on your boarding pass.  If you're travelling with young children, they allow you to board after the A group boards, which means it doesn't matter what assignment you have.  This means that you have very good odds of sitting together, and even getting your own row.  After all, who the heck wants to sit with a screaming baby?

Security at US airports is very accommodating for families. Both in Buffalo and Tampa, they offered family lines. This meant faster processing and fewer hassles. I brought a lot of baby food in the diaper bag and not one person hassled me about it. We also had more than the allotted carry on baggage, and again, no hassles!

The plane rides were as expected. Noah fought me as I held him tight upon takeoff, then slept for 1-2 hours in my arms. Once he woke, hubby and I took turns passing him back and forth, trying to keep him happy and occupy his attention. Thankfully the people around us were very nice, and many were smiling and attempting to occupy babe's attention.

My parents were waiting for us when we arrived. We rented a car seat from Visiting Baby, and they installed it in my dad's car before we arrived. This was a lifesaver! It meant that we didn't have to worry about transporting babe from the airport, nor bring his bucket infant seat.  I've found that a lot of cities offer similar services, just search "City baby gear rental" and you can see what local companies have to offer.

I'm so glad we stayed in a condo. Having a full kitchen, laundry and a separate room for Noah meant that we could maintain much of our home routine. My parents drove down and took our Phil & Teds Traveller playpen with them so we didn't have to lug it on the plane. He'd slept in it before so we knew he would be ok in it.

We rented a number of items from Visiting Baby, and boy did it make life easier. We got the toddler car seat (which they kindly installed), a bin of toys (they tailor by age - and Noah was very excited to discover the contents), a feeding booster seat (which we attached to one of the dining room chairs) and a jumperoo (which was great but now that he's pulling himself up and crawling, didn't get much use). For a week we paid around $120. It was WELL worth the investment!

Occupying a baby in a small condo is tricky, so we went for lots of long walks and spent many hours in the pool. Generally the trip was very smooth! There were only two hiccups: the food and sleep.

I make most of Noah's food, but he does get the jarred meat combinations for dinner. Once the food I brought ran out, we switched to food I bought at Target. And he HATED it! I bought stage 2 foods because I didn't see stage 3, and they were extremely bland and runny. Thankfully I brought a can of formula because I was paranoid it would taste different. So he drank well but his meals were challenging for the first few days. That said, he happily ate bits of food from our plates, so we just had to make sure we had baby-appropriate meals. When we went shopping again, I found foods exactly like his, and he devoured them!

Our first night there, Noah slept from 8:30-7, his normal sleep routine, From day 2 onward, he started waking 30 minutes earlier each day. We managed to leave him in his bed until nearly 7, because we didn't want him to adjust to this new wake up time. We knew that a major factor was the brightness of his room. At home, we use room darkening blinds. In Florida, the blinds weren't great and his room was on the sunrise side of the building, which meant he was wide awake when he saw the first glimpse of light. I'm also convinced (but hubby thinks I'm nuts) that he was adjusting early for daylight savings time. It took two days once we got home to get him back to "normal" (8:30-7). Thank goodness for that!

When I was packing for the trip, I looked at a lot of blogs and websites for lists and suggestions of things I might forget. So here's a list I hope you'll find handy for your next trip. Please let me know if I've missed anything!

What to pack for baby:
- diapers (enough for the plane, and if you have room in your case, enough for the week)
- swim diapers (again, only if you have space in your luggage)
- shorts
- socks
- light pjs (consider if your room will have A/C)
- light pants (for cool morning walks)
- light hoodie
- sun hat (with chin strap if your child doesn't like hats)
- long and short sleeved onesies (long sleeved are handy for walks - protects babe's arms from the sun)
- multiple bathing suits
- sunglasses (if babe will wear)
- water shoes (if babe is walking/cruising)
- fast-drying pool hat with chin strap
- shoes/sandals
- formula
- baby food (many companies now offer pouches which are lightweight and easy to pack)
- baby sunblock (i liked Aveeno, it rubbed in quickly)
- after sun/aloe (in case the sunblock washes off and babe gets burnt)
- baby powder (apparently it helps to remove sand, but we weren't at the beach much)
- mini toiletries (baby wash, cotton swabs, creams)
- first aid kid (thermometer, advil, teething meds - just in case!)
- large reusable/waterproof shopping bag (to use as a beach bag - you need to bring a lot to the beach and you'll have wet stuff to bring back up)
- waterproof blanket (for the airport and by the pool - the JJ Cole one is awesome)

What to pack in your diaper bag:
- diapers
- wipes
- mini toiletries (baby wash, cream, hand sanitizer)
- extra outfit
- pajamas
- small toys, book
- baby lunchbag (empty bottle(s), pre-measured formula, pouches of food, bib, spoon, bowls - nothing that needs to be cooled)
- lots of treats (easy way to distract/calm a bored baby)
- light blanket (in case the plane is cold while babe is sleeping)
- travel pillow (for under the elbow of whoever is holding babe while sleeping - you'll get uncomfortable fast otherwise)

Things to buy when you get there:
- beach towels
- swim diapers (if your case was full)
- pool toys/inflatable boat (preferably with a sun shield)

We brought a DVD player with an assortment of discs, and it kept Noah's attention for a while on the plane. Southwest didn't have TVs on our planes, so we had to get creative to occupy Noah. I also brought an assortment of small toys that he could shake and chew on. The DVD player also came in handy in the condo when he got bored, or needed distracting while we ate our dinner.

As you can see, travelling with a baby is quite the process. But in the end, it was worth it! We had a great week with lots of sunshine and happy memories. If you plan ahead and try not to sweat the small stuff, you can have a fun (but not terribly relaxing) family vacation!

When can we go to the beach??

Fun with mommy

Water baby - he couldn't get enough of the pool

Enjoying his boat

Smiles for grandma

Enjoying the Fisher Price play gate at the Buffalo Airport