Tuesday, August 24, 2010

What not to say

When we went through our loss, all we wanted was for everyone to know (so we didn't have to explain what happened) and for people to just let us be.

I understand how awkward it must be for bystanders who just don't know what to say.  But some people just don't think before they speak.  Here's some of the ill-phrased but well-intentioned responses we heard:

It just wasn't meant to be

This wasn't your time

You're young, you'll have more babies

I had a miscarriage and I understand how you feel

At the time, some of these made me downright angry.  How could they possibly know how I'm feeling?  I carried a baby for 27 weeks, I felt her move and watched my belly twitch with her kicks.  I was well past the three month "danger zone" and thought it was smooth sailing, until my bliss was ripped out from underneath me with the harsh reality of our situation.

I now know that people really didn't know what to say, and I'm sure I've even made similar thoughtless comments in the past.  Now I know that the only thing a person suffering a miscarriage wants to here is:

I'm sorry, and I'm here for you.

Helpful advice that you will hopefully never need to use!  Here's some other do's and don'ts from a miscarriage support centre in Aukland, New Zealand.

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