Awkward goodbye

I'm listening to my ipod and the song, Awkward Goodbye, by Athlete. It's the song that was playing in the car when we left the hospital after Olivia was born.

The song is about losing someone you love, and the chorus really resonated with me at the time:

No one knows how I love you
No one comes even close
Sunlight runs through my veins for you
Oh ohh
 

I remember the flood of emotions that hit me in that moment, and the reality that she was really gone hitting me like a brick wall. It still chokes me up, remembering the everything we went through and how unfair it was. My heart still aches when I think of her...

Moments I will never forget

- the positive pregnancy test and telling B

- our families' joyful reaction to the news

- hearing the baby's heartbeat for the first time and sending the recording to B when he was in Vegas

- feeling the first flutter while watching the Hope for Haiti concert

- our babymoon in Los Cabos

- feeling the baby kick and watching my belly move

- when the ultrasound technician turned off the machine and said "you need to go see your doctor"

- our doctor's face when he walked in the room

- feeling like my world was collapsing when he told us the baby had cranial and facial anomalies

- waiting for the call from mt sinai for the follow-up appointment date

- waiting two long weeks for the appointment

- sitting in the waiting room, looking at all the pregnant women and knowing we were all there because something was wrong

- the silence of the ultrasound technician as she examined the baby

- the box of kleenex the doctor brought in when they delivered the news

- find out she was a girl (which confirmed what we already suspected)

- agreeing to be induced and waiting for what felt like an eternity to fill out the paperwork before we could leave

- calling my sister and hearing her sob when I told her what was happening

- going to chicago with B because I couldn't stand to stay at home and wait

- shopping in chicago and knowing I couldn't buy maternity clothes, or regular clothes because they wouldn't fit

- buying a blanket to wrap our baby in after she was born

- barely sleeping the night before we went to the hospital

- waiting for the contractions to start for 36 hours

- unbearable pain from the oxytocin-induced contractions

- getting an epidural during a contraction

- my water breaking and pushing

- delivering Olivia in the dark and in total silence

- holding her stillborn body and stroking her skin

- the look on B's face that told me his heart was breaking

- holding Olivia during the blessing ceremony and watching the nurses take her away

- putting on my maternity jeans to leave and noticing my absent belly

- leaving the hospital empty handed

- packing up everything we bought for the nursery

- my milk coming in four days after she was born

- looking through the memory package from the hospital, and seeing the pictures of her tiny lifeless body and purple skin (from never taking a breath)

Rest in peace little angel. I will never forget you.

Remembering Olivia

I'm not sure why, but I've been thinking about Olivia a lot this week. I think the doctor's visits and upcoming 15 week ultrasound are reminding my of what we went through. It's also because on Friday the doctor revised my due date to March 29th, almost exactly one year from the day Olivia was born (March 19).

I'm SO anxious about the ultrasound in three weeks, and desperately hoping everything will come out "normal".

I was searching Google blogs for amniotic band syndrome and found a number of postings from people who went through similar experiences. The one that touched me the most was "Life After Haleigh", as we went through a very similar situation. As I read it, tears poured down my face and memories of Olivia and holding her tiny body came flooding back.

I'm so thankful that I'm pregnant again, and thankful for all of the people I've gotten support from this year. Someone once told me "you make plans, and god laughs" and that's certainly true in our case. I never imagined how this year would turn out....so many ups and downs. We started the year pregnant, then lost the baby, then sold our house and moved, and now we're pregnant again!

Throughout all of this, my wonderful husband has stood by me. He's been my rock, and my best friend. I am most thankful for having him in my life!