- the positive pregnancy test and telling B
- our families' joyful reaction to the news
- hearing the baby's heartbeat for the first time and sending the recording to B when he was in Vegas
- feeling the first flutter while watching the Hope for Haiti concert
- our babymoon in Los Cabos
- feeling the baby kick and watching my belly move
- when the ultrasound technician turned off the machine and said "you need to go see your doctor"
- our doctor's face when he walked in the room
- feeling like my world was collapsing when he told us the baby had cranial and facial anomalies
- waiting for the call from mt sinai for the follow-up appointment date
- waiting two long weeks for the appointment
- sitting in the waiting room, looking at all the pregnant women and knowing we were all there because something was wrong
- the silence of the ultrasound technician as she examined the baby
- the box of kleenex the doctor brought in when they delivered the news
- find out she was a girl (which confirmed what we already suspected)
- agreeing to be induced and waiting for what felt like an eternity to fill out the paperwork before we could leave
- calling my sister and hearing her sob when I told her what was happening
- going to chicago with B because I couldn't stand to stay at home and wait
- shopping in chicago and knowing I couldn't buy maternity clothes, or regular clothes because they wouldn't fit
- buying a blanket to wrap our baby in after she was born
- barely sleeping the night before we went to the hospital
- waiting for the contractions to start for 36 hours
- unbearable pain from the oxytocin-induced contractions
- getting an epidural during a contraction
- my water breaking and pushing
- delivering Olivia in the dark and in total silence
- holding her stillborn body and stroking her skin
- the look on B's face that told me his heart was breaking
- holding Olivia during the blessing ceremony and watching the nurses take her away
- putting on my maternity jeans to leave and noticing my absent belly
- leaving the hospital empty handed
- packing up everything we bought for the nursery
- my milk coming in four days after she was born
- looking through the memory package from the hospital, and seeing the pictures of her tiny lifeless body and purple skin (from never taking a breath)
Rest in peace little angel. I will never forget you.
Sheri, thank you so much for reaching out and commenting on my blog. For the past 30 mins I've been sipping my morning tea and reading your blog and I have tears in my eyes reading about your journey with baby Olivia and now your current miracle growing inside. I am a big believer in everything happens for a reason, but when I was going through my sad times, I didn't want to hear it and thought it was so unfair that people were getting pregnant right left and center, and that I was going through hell. It's so much easier to say it when there is something positive to look forward to, and although our experiences have been vastly different, we've still had our heart broken and our hopes crushed. I hope that with this current pregnancy you will continue to cherish every day, every week, to slowly allow yourself to truly enjoy your pregnancy and that the memory of Olivia will remain strong as her brother or sister grows bigger and stronger. You will find that this blog community is going to be a great support and a great outlet for those days that no one else will understand. I look forward to following your journey - praying for you!!
ReplyDelete